i barfeds in our rink
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
