Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
