I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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