It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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