Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
