Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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