you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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