I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
