My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
