my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
