apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
