Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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