Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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