someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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