i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
