tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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