I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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