i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
