My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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