doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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