I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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