And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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