Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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