you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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