And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
