if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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