apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
