i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
