this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
