Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
