I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
