Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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