I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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