I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
