sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
