Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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