Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
