im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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