like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
