I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
