Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
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