my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
