im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
