Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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