why didn't you poke me back
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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