my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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