Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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