she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
MIDGETS
????
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
