apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
