We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
