theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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